Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Negative Side of Knowing Something

Until the sperm analysis test is done, Akeeyu and I can live in the lovely, blame-free world of "If we can't have children, I'm sure it's somebody's fault, but it might not be *my* fault". However, once the Sperm Analysis is complete and we've got a piece of paper in hand with actual data on how my squigglies are doing, all bets are off.

Akeeyu's worried that I'll blame her if my sperm comes back as Grade A (aka "Ooooooh, doggie! Look at those fellas go!"). Because if my sperm aren't problematic, then any problems will be all her fault. Well, that's how she sees it. But, it's not like she has lung cancer, but walks around saying "I don't understand how I got this" while taking a puff on her 23rd cigarette of the day. I don't see it as her fault if we have problems and the SA comes back within normal ranges.

On the other hand, if my sperm are DOA or just swim in circles trying to catch their tails... Well, then we have to talk about <shudder>Donor Sperm
</shudder>. I don't think it'll change how she feels about me. Though, she did come into this relationship knowing that I have produced quality sperm before.

I'll love her no matter what happens while we try to have children. It doesn't matter to me which body is having the tough time getting the necessary juices flowing.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Bang! Bang! Exclamation Mark!

* Eeeeee! I made a blogroll! And, I was welcomed! I feel like a princess... Um. In a manly way. Thanks to the ladies who each took a piece of my virginity.

* Sperm Motility & Morphology test scheduled! UW Medical Center, here I come! In a couple weeks! Yay for Exclamation Marks! Bang! However, I don't feel like a princess about this.

* Akeeyu & I met a blogger & spouse face-to-face and had a great time. Expected to chat for maybe an hour or so, consisting mostly of stilted conversation. Instead, we chatted comfortably for hours. The restaurant employees just about glared us out of the place after five hours.

* Please pester Akeeyu to post about T-shirts. She's procrastinating!

* Bang!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Alton Brown is in my town!

This has nothing to do with sperm or Akeeyu.

This is about the man who usually fills half of my TiVo's hard drive. I store about a dozen different episodes of Good Eats. For those that weren't able to make it to a visit, here's a recap of his (nearby, but I did not attend) visit.

Alton Brown book appearance report

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Just for the record

Akeeyu is the biggest whiner!

It's official! She's number one! She's number one! Woot!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Slacking on the Sperm Testing

Yeah, I spent 30-45 minutes last week trying to see if my doctor could send my sperm out for motility and morphology testing, only to discover that the clinic won't have anything to do with that test. Well, we've heard that the University of Washington does that sort of thing. I just need to give 'em a call and see what the cost & procedures will be. I just haven't. I've been... Procrastinating.

And it's all Akeeyu's fault! Really! We had a lovely discussion about my procrastination, but I'm still not quite convinced. See, if they discover my swimmers don't swim then it's not just that we'll have to have a more serious conversation about donor sperm (which mostly have been me ruling out friends and family members that she's not allowed to get pregnant by and trying to gross her out by suggesting we use my father's sperm), but another more serious problem.

If we find out I'm not producing sperm, I won't be able to squeal out "eeee... Don't kick me there! You need those!" to protect myself. It has been my only defense in wrassling around or when I say stupid things (which is often).

I'll be utterly defenseless.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Ugh... I had to talk to someone about my sperm

So, Akeeyu and I are in planning stages for having getting her knocked up. You'd think this is where we'd be figuring out what costumes we would need or getting new sex toys. At least, that's what I had thought. Instead, 'planning' includes me calling my doctor's office and discussing my sperm with receptionists, billing specialists and lab technicians at my usual clinic. Only to find out that they don't do that sort of thing there. Grr...

I know... Women are used to talking about the reproductive process, sometimes in considerable detail, with perfect strangers. People like to rub a pregnant woman's belly (strangers, even). Periods and their flows are apparently perfectly normal topics of conversation. And, I'm sure there are topics of conversation that I really, really, really don't want to know about.

But, for guys... Reproductive viability isn't really discussed. Unless the hottie in your life is pregnant, and then you walk around thumping your chest and shouting out how strong your seed are. This is the first time I've had to call up strangers and discuss my reproductive juices and if they would test 'em for motility and morphology.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. So, I'm willing to gamble that I have viable swimmers. But, Akeeyu wisely thinks before we go into all the horrible, invasive tests women have to endure or even spend months trying, that I donate an everloving spoonful to the lab. And, I agree.

In principal.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Being blunt is good sometimes

When Akeeyu moved up to shack up with me again, she had to go through the "Find A Doctor" routine everyone goes through when they move or change HMOs. Hell, I've done it... Look up the list of HMO approved doctors for the closest one to your house, call him/her and say "Do you have a Nurse Practitioner?" and if the answer's yes, write down that doctor on your health form. Done! Now I can get antibiotics when I need 'em. Woot!

Akeeyu, however, requires someone a little higher in the Doctor foodchain... The mythical "Doctor who knows what the hell they're doing and cares about their patients"! I thought all doctors were like that. Apparently, I was wrong. Very wrong.

It appears that Doctors are like very highly paid fast food workers. Most of the Doctors that Akeeyu have visited are capable of helping you if you need help with 1) a cold, 2) a check-up or 3) Have a question about those warts you picked up while Licking Toad. It's all about knowing the best way to take care of the top 10 issues and doing it very quickly to maximize profits. However, Akeeyu needs *actual* help with *actual* problems (Endometriosis & her ugly sisters; Migraine, Pain, Possible Infertility and More Pain). AKA someone who got into medicine to help people and not because it's how you can afford a Porsche and a yacht!

After about the third or fourth doctor who made her so frustrated and angry she would start sobbing incoherently, we agreed I should go with her. She wanted me to remember to ask the questions that sobbing made her forget. I wanted to go to ask the questions she probably shouldn't if she wanted a good relationship with her doctors. You know... The "So, do you know of a competent Doctor she should see instead?" kinda questions. Unfortunately, the next couple doctors actually were decent ones and all I got to ask were the questions she forgot.

However, there was one visit to the local walk-in clinic for a pregnancy test (which we hope to come up positive in April, but would be very BAD for the baby due to the medications Akeeyu's on right now). We were definitely hoping for a negative result, as a positive would 99% require an abortion due to the horrible birth defects.

So, while the Doctor-on-duty was talking with us, she was kinda beating around the bush on something... And it smelled suspiciously like she was going towards an anti-abortion stance. Akeeyu was nearly blinded by a migraine. And, she was frazzled enough about the repercussions of a positive result without some unknown doctor lecturing her. Time to turn off politeness and go for blunt.

Doctor: "And what would you want to do if the test were positive?"
Me (in my can-the-back-rows-hear-me? voice): "Well... We don't want any flipper babies."
Doctor: ...
Me: "
I mean, we want to have kids. We're planning on trying next year, but not when she's on all this birth defect inducing crap."
Doctor: "... Oh, okay."

Tomorrow, we're going to a brand new doctor (well, new to us) because of a HMO change at Akeeyu's work. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to be blunt.

Edit: Akeeyu's doctor visit changed from Planning To Get Pregnant to Let's Go Over Each Of Your Forty Medications, Akeeyu! So, I got the day off from visiting the doctor. Luckily, the visit turned out well.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Deviating From The Script

Every telemarketer uses a script. The fun starts when you can make them go off script. Tonight, while we were eating dinner (naturally), a telemarketer called and asked if The Lady Of The House was present. Knowing that Akeeyu is not a lady, and that she was currently snarfing up parmesan noodles, I decided to take one for the team.

Telemarketer: "Well, perhaps you could help me. This is not a sales call-"
Sam: (alarm bells ringing)
Telemarketer: "-but this concerns children."
Sam: (...Akeeyu's going to love this...)
Telemarketer: "Does The Lady Of The House have children or grandchildren or neices or friends with children or relatives with children, or does she perhaps babysit?"
Sam: "No."
Telemarketer: (dead silence)
Sam: (smirking)
Telemarketer: "Well...I...I guess this doesn't concern you, then."
Sam: "Guess not." (click)

I'm glad I took this instead of handing it off to Akeeyu. I would have been hearing about it until we were both in a home, and then I'd be forced to resort to pretending to lose my hearing aids, just so I wouldn't have to hear about it again.

Welcome To The Buttmansion

First things first. This is where Buttmansion came from. This is not a porn site, although I know I will now pop up in Google searches for using the word 'porn' and 'butt' in the same breath. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Back to the post.

I am nowhere near as prolific or witty as Akeeyu. I plan to post once, maybe twice a month.

A little about me: I am short, round and obnoxious. I like Dr Pepper, TiVo and long walks on the beach. Well, not the last part. Note the aforementioned roundness.

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