Saturday, February 19, 2005

Sperm Report Cards are in...

The Sperm Analysis tests came in today. Since we did this without a referring doctor, we have been comparing all of the results ourselves with the Reference/Range/Units next to each number and with Dr. Google. If my sperm were getting a report card from SA school, it would be:


with the following comments "Semen has potential, if they'd just make an effort".

Most of the results are within normal range or above average (in a good way). The worst offenders are pH and motility. The pH is 8.7, when the acceptable range is 7.8-8.6. So, I'm barely up into the abnormal pH. On the motility side, my sample is Asthenozoospermia (from the Greek for "weakened seed"). I have normal swim-out recovery (I'm guessing this has nothing to do with Baywatch). They were looking for a 50% motility, but mine is at 37%.

So, overall it's okay news. For getting pregnant, it's bad news. It would be nice to have Super Sperm when it's time for the pregnancy attempts. However, from a pressure side, it's a great thing. If we are unable to conceive or it takes a while, it's not just one person's "fault". Hopefully, Akeeyu will not feel she is 100% responsible, as Asthenozoospermia puts me in the Sub-Fertile classification.

Or, as I told Akeeyu: "See, now I'm part of the problem!"

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

My Sperm are taking their Swim Test

This morning was the big day for the Semen Analysis. I woke up and took a lovely, relaxing hot shower (wondering if I should take a colder shower so I didn't fry the little guys -- I'm blaming any problems on the hot shower). My fatman breakfast usually consists of a can of Dr Pepper, but Akeeyu was a little concerned about the effect of caffeine on my sperm. So, when I called to confirm the directions, one of the doctors answered the phone. After I got the directions, I asked...

Me: "Is there anything I shouldn't do this morning before I come in?"
Doc: "... Wellll... We'd have liked you to have refrained for the last 2-5 days. So, if you can keep from having an emission in the next hour and a half, that would be good."
Me: "Yeah, I avoided that for the last 4 days. I meant should I avoid having caffeine."
Doc: "Ohh!!!"

Apparently it's okay to have caffeine and a burger before your SA. In case you were wondering.

Properly nourished, we headed off to my Semen Analysis appointment. Now, this SA was "self-referred"; this means I didn't visit my doctor and then the Andrology Lab. I visited the Andrology folks purely on my own.

What I expected: A nice waiting area with a receptionist. A seedy little "donation room".

What I got: A couple lab rooms down a hall, with really nice lab technicians and a doctor. A very un-seedy little "donation room".

On the way to the Andrology Lab, I asked the nice elderly lady at the hospital Information desk for directions to the BB side of the hospital. She was very helpful... "Head down the hall, take a left and then a right and keep going." So, we headed down the hall, took the last hallway left and then took the first right. And, ended up in the "Maternity & Infants" section. Hmm... Maybe she thought I said "BayBee" section. We went back and noticed a hallway that was hidden from our original direction and found our way to the lab. But, it still amused us.

I've had performance anxiety for the last day or so. I didn't think I'd be able to ejaculate quickly enough, ejaculate enough or in a timely fashion. I was afraid of a repeat of teenage days... KnockKnockKnock "Everything okay in there?"

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely a masturbation pro by now. But, I've always been one of those folks who think masturbation is done at home. Silly me. But, after Akeeyu pointed out the drawer helpfully labelled "Magazines", I shooed her out and got on about my business.

It's kind of weird for me. I never thought one of the prerequisites for medical lab work would require me to be sexually excited. I'm thinking this is a purely male issue. Unless there are female feritility tests out there that require a woman to have an orgasm at the clinic. I'm sure most women who have had invasive tests performed (aren't they all?) are unsympathetic... "For god's sake, it's not that difficult... You guys do this all the time!" Perhaps the ladies would like to take a little time next appointment to pound out an orgasm at the doctor's office. It's a little harder than you'd think it is.

After I ejaculated, it was time to straighten myself up, put the magazines away and walk across the hall with my disappointingly small sample. I didn't mean for it to be a small sample. It's just that I was kinda off my game and concentrating on getting everything into the little sample cup. As I was telling Akeeyu, while walking through the hospital, instead of my usual "Oh, YES!" kind of ejaculate, it was more of a Dean Scream kind of ejaculate. I was tempted to ask if I could try again.

And, if there are men reading this who are trying to have children and haven't had at least a basic Semen Analysis... Why haven't you? Please don't look at things I've said in this blog about the process as excuses why you aren't going to do this. If you and your woman have been trying to have kids and you haven't done an SA, perhaps the problem is you haven't grown enough testicles to get your ass down there for this 10-15 minute test. Be a man; Get your sperm tested.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

MSN Search: NOT finding what you're after

So, Microsoft has released their Google-killer, How do I know? They've started advertising on TV. Yes, even though I have a TiVo, I will stop and watch new or interesting commercials (I always stop to watch the Big Brother and Big Sister / Comcast PSAs... I love them!). Oh, and because Akeeyu forwarded me a MSN search query the other day. Even though the MSN Search's tagline is "find just what you're after", I don't think I'm going to stop using Google.

As an example of why MSN Search isn't doing it for me... A search for herveryown. While Akeeyu's blog isn't the biggest on the internets, as a blog name, it should be an easy one to find with a search engine. She's been out there for a little bit and there aren't a lot of herveryown sites out there, all run together like that. So, how does Google do when you search for herveryown? #1 spot is Akeeyu's page. A9 (Amazon's newish search engine): #1. Lycos (once the best search engine in the '90s, IMHO): Akeeyu's #1. Even AOL (after a 5 second wait while it loaded another window with the search results): #1 for Akeeyu's blog.

MSN's results can't even find her site! Sure, it finds some folks who have linked to her (including perhaps you, dear reader). But, it can't seem to find her site. At all. It manages to find another search engine's results that include herveryown. But, it can't find on its own.

In case you doubt:

So, I think I'll stick with Google.

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