HisVeryOwn

Become the TiVo Ambassador | PVRblog

2005-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

Become the TiVo Ambassador | PVRblog: "Become the TiVo Ambassador"

Daily Show

2005-08-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a bit of a TiVo fan. If you mention to the word in passing to me in a casual conversation, my eyes light up, my gestures get broader and frenzied. And, then I try to convert you. As if getting just one more person to use TiVo is the only thing that would save my life. If I won the lottery, I'd keep a stack of TiVos in my limo just to hand out to people I met.

Since I'm not a bajillionaire, that means I just tell victi... coworkers, friends and strangers who don't move fast enough about why I love my TiVo. The reason that seems to resonate with folks my age... "The Daily Show". Yes. I don't miss a single episode of the Daily Show. Or Robot Chicken. Or CSI. Or Good Eats. All recorded and waiting for me to watch when I am ready and able to sit in front of the TV.

On my TiVo right now... Daily Show, Robot Chicken (the whole season of 15 minute shows), Good Eats, Law & Order: SVU reruns, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Airline, Sell This House, Home Movies, Battlestar Gallactica, Dead Zone and a couple other shows. Mostly cable, even more than normal since the networks aren't showing new episodes of CSI, the Amazing Race and Law & Order: SVU. Since I've been really busy the last 4-5 days, there's some good shows waiting patiently for me.

Oops... Almost forgot. What sparked this post was this: Daily Show Clips. I've seen the clips individually out there, but this is where they are officially posted by Comedy Central. Now I can send some of the better bits of the Daily Show to my non-TiVo owning friends. That reminds me, I need to have a talk with them about why they need to get a TiVo...

Oooh... Google Maps just got better

2005-07-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm really happy with Google Maps (in case my last post didn't mention it). However, they just freakin' made me even happier!

Hybrid mode!

I spy with my little... spy satellite

2005-07-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

Yet another infertility-unrelated post. Ah, well.

Ahh, the joys of overhead (satellite or aerial) photos! Years ago, I visited Microsoft's TerraServer, but nowadays I tend to play with Google Maps instead. It's nice to be able to map out directions, and then see the path you're taking drawn against a satellite image by clicking the Satellite button in the upper right corner. And, I like being able to click on the map/picture and drag it around.

Ah, and here's another good reason to be happy about Google Maps: Google Sightseeing! Especially since the satellite/aerial photos now include areas outside the USA. What's cooler than seeing shipwrecks, Disneyland or Te otihuacán?

Not all places allow you to zoom all the way in, but you'll definitely want to with Google Moon!

Oh, and apparently Google Maps has helped someone fight a traffic ticket...

Kinda like CatBlogging

2005-07-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

Am I a catblogger, if I link to someone else's catblogging? And, um... It's fertility related because there's a chart comparing the benefits of a kitten, puppy, baby and new video card... Yeah! That's it.

http://www.dansdata.com/kitten.htm

Catenema.com: Do NOT Try This at Home!

2005-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Catenema.com: Do NOT Try This at Home!

This just about gave Akeeyu an asthma attack.

Akeeyu (reading over my shoulder): Actually it did... Where's my inhaler?

Fertitily Fun at the Supermarket

2005-06-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

So, Akeeyu and I were at the supermarket, picking up some vegetable oil for dinner. The last time we went shopping for vegetable oil, we were looking for a lubricant that wouldn't impact our chances of conceiving. We settled on an Organic Canola Oil for that task. This time, we were just using it in our FryDaddy. If you were in the supermarket near us, you'd have had the pleasure of overhearing this exchange:

Akeeyu: "What kind do you think we need? Peanut? Canola?"
Sam: "Alton Brown says Peanut Oil for frying."
Akeeyu: "Ahh... (in that "Good god, did he bring up Alton Brown again?" tone)
Sam: "Hey... Organic Peanut Oil. Should we get the organic stuff?"
Akeeyu: (Loudly and slightly exasperated) "Jeez, Sam, we're cooking with it, not fucking with it!"

Ahh... Good times!

We've reset the Happiness Meter

2005-06-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was on the phone with Akeeyu. Her near-delirious state is gone. Apparently, yesterday's happiness from the doctor's visit lasted just 24 hours. If you've ever worked in a place with manual labor, you may have seen an Accident Free Days poster at work. I'm tempted to purchase one and scratch out any references to Accidents and replace it with Happiness.

"This Akeeyu has gone ZERO days without Happiness. The previous record was 93 days. Do your part to make a new record!"

...Sigh...

(She will fill y'all in later, I am sure.)

Snippets from the Buttmansion abode

2005-03-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. I've been feeling like my sperm... lacking in motility. Busy, depressed, busy and not feeling like posting much.

Akeeyu was in the kitchen making cookies and I was petting our cat, T'loo, getting in some good petting time with her.

Me: Oh, she's a cute pussy! She is.
Akeeyu: Did you just say she's cheap!?!
Me: (repeating myself)
Akeeyu: Oh.
Me (as T'loo): Actually, I am cheap. I'm a little slut, a whooore. I am a floozy kitty!
Akeeyu: That didn't even sound like her.
Me: Meow?

A couple minutes after a... discussion.
Me: Are you coming back in here, or did you want to argue a little more?
Akeeyu: Well. I won that one, right?
Me: Yup.
Akeeyu: Okay. I'll be right in.

Akeeyu in the bathroom, as she's getting ready for work.
Akeeyu: ... That's why my forehead's been so shiny lately.
Me: (To REM's annoyingly, unforgettable song) Shiiiiiiiiiny Unhappy People everywhere...
Akeeyu: What?
Me: Shiny Unhappy people everywhere...
Akeeyu: I hate you.

Of course, that stupid song was stuck in my head all morning after that.

Sperm Report Cards are in...

2005-02-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

The Sperm Analysis tests came in today. Since we did this without a referring doctor, we have been comparing all of the results ourselves with the Reference/Range/Units next to each number and with Dr. Google. If my sperm were getting a report card from SA school, it would be:

C-

with the following comments "Semen has potential, if they'd just make an effort".

Most of the results are within normal range or above average (in a good way). The worst offenders are pH and motility. The pH is 8.7, when the acceptable range is 7.8-8.6. So, I'm barely up into the abnormal pH. On the motility side, my sample is Asthenozoospermia (from the Greek for "weakened seed"). I have normal swim-out recovery (I'm guessing this has nothing to do with Baywatch). They were looking for a 50% motility, but mine is at 37%.

So, overall it's okay news. For getting pregnant, it's bad news. It would be nice to have Super Sperm when it's time for the pregnancy attempts. However, from a pressure side, it's a great thing. If we are unable to conceive or it takes a while, it's not just one person's "fault". Hopefully, Akeeyu will not feel she is 100% responsible, as Asthenozoospermia puts me in the Sub-Fertile classification.

Or, as I told Akeeyu: "See, now I'm part of the problem!"

My Sperm are taking their Swim Test

2005-02-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

This morning was the big day for the Semen Analysis. I woke up and took a lovely, relaxing hot shower (wondering if I should take a colder shower so I didn't fry the little guys -- I'm blaming any problems on the hot shower). My fatman breakfast usually consists of a can of Dr Pepper, but Akeeyu was a little concerned about the effect of caffeine on my sperm. So, when I called to confirm the directions, one of the doctors answered the phone. After I got the directions, I asked...

Me: "Is there anything I shouldn't do this morning before I come in?"
Doc: "... Wellll... We'd have liked you to have refrained for the last 2-5 days. So, if you can keep from having an emission in the next hour and a half, that would be good."
Me: "Yeah, I avoided that for the last 4 days. I meant should I avoid having caffeine."
Doc: "Ohh!!!"

Apparently it's okay to have caffeine and a burger before your SA. In case you were wondering.

Properly nourished, we headed off to my Semen Analysis appointment. Now, this SA was "self-referred"; this means I didn't visit my doctor and then the Andrology Lab. I visited the Andrology folks purely on my own.

What I expected: A nice waiting area with a receptionist. A seedy little "donation room".

What I got: A couple lab rooms down a hall, with really nice lab technicians and a doctor. A very un-seedy little "donation room".

On the way to the Andrology Lab, I asked the nice elderly lady at the hospital Information desk for directions to the BB side of the hospital. She was very helpful... "Head down the hall, take a left and then a right and keep going." So, we headed down the hall, took the last hallway left and then took the first right. And, ended up in the "Maternity & Infants" section. Hmm... Maybe she thought I said "BayBee" section. We went back and noticed a hallway that was hidden from our original direction and found our way to the lab. But, it still amused us.

I've had performance anxiety for the last day or so. I didn't think I'd be able to ejaculate quickly enough, ejaculate enough or in a timely fashion. I was afraid of a repeat of teenage days... KnockKnockKnock "Everything okay in there?"

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely a masturbation pro by now. But, I've always been one of those folks who think masturbation is done at home. Silly me. But, after Akeeyu pointed out the drawer helpfully labelled "Magazines", I shooed her out and got on about my business.

It's kind of weird for me. I never thought one of the prerequisites for medical lab work would require me to be sexually excited. I'm thinking this is a purely male issue. Unless there are female feritility tests out there that require a woman to have an orgasm at the clinic. I'm sure most women who have had invasive tests performed (aren't they all?) are unsympathetic... "For god's sake, it's not that difficult... You guys do this all the time!" Perhaps the ladies would like to take a little time next appointment to pound out an orgasm at the doctor's office. It's a little harder than you'd think it is.

After I ejaculated, it was time to straighten myself up, put the magazines away and walk across the hall with my disappointingly small sample. I didn't mean for it to be a small sample. It's just that I was kinda off my game and concentrating on getting everything into the little sample cup. As I was telling Akeeyu, while walking through the hospital, instead of my usual "Oh, YES!" kind of ejaculate, it was more of a Dean Scream kind of ejaculate. I was tempted to ask if I could try again.

And, if there are men reading this who are trying to have children and haven't had at least a basic Semen Analysis... Why haven't you? Please don't look at things I've said in this blog about the process as excuses why you aren't going to do this. If you and your woman have been trying to have kids and you haven't done an SA, perhaps the problem is you haven't grown enough testicles to get your ass down there for this 10-15 minute test. Be a man; Get your sperm tested.

MSN Search: NOT finding what you're after

2005-02-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

So, Microsoft has released their Google-killer, search.msn.com. How do I know? They've started advertising on TV. Yes, even though I have a TiVo, I will stop and watch new or interesting commercials (I always stop to watch the Big Brother and Big Sister / Comcast PSAs... I love them!). Oh, and because Akeeyu forwarded me a MSN search query the other day. Even though the MSN Search's tagline is "find just what you're after", I don't think I'm going to stop using Google.

As an example of why MSN Search isn't doing it for me... A search for herveryown. While Akeeyu's blog isn't the biggest on the internets, as a blog name, it should be an easy one to find with a search engine. She's been out there for a little bit and there aren't a lot of herveryown sites out there, all run together like that. So, how does Google do when you search for herveryown? #1 spot is Akeeyu's page. A9 (Amazon's newish search engine): #1. Lycos (once the best search engine in the '90s, IMHO): Akeeyu's #1. Even AOL (after a 5 second wait while it loaded another window with the search results): #1 for Akeeyu's blog.

MSN's results can't even find her site! Sure, it finds some folks who have linked to her (including perhaps you, dear reader). But, it can't seem to find her site. At all. It manages to find another search engine's results that include herveryown. But, it can't find herveryown.blogspot.com on its own.

In case you doubt: http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=herveryown&FORM=QBHP.

So, I think I'll stick with Google.

The Negative Side of Knowing Something

2005-01-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

Until the sperm analysis test is done, Akeeyu and I can live in the lovely, blame-free world of "If we can't have children, I'm sure it's somebody's fault, but it might not be *my* fault". However, once the Sperm Analysis is complete and we've got a piece of paper in hand with actual data on how my squigglies are doing, all bets are off.

Akeeyu's worried that I'll blame her if my sperm comes back as Grade A (aka "Ooooooh, doggie! Look at those fellas go!"). Because if my sperm aren't problematic, then any problems will be all her fault. Well, that's how she sees it. But, it's not like she has lung cancer, but walks around saying "I don't understand how I got this" while taking a puff on her 23rd cigarette of the day. I don't see it as her fault if we have problems and the SA comes back within normal ranges.

On the other hand, if my sperm are DOA or just swim in circles trying to catch their tails... Well, then we have to talk about <shudder>Donor Sperm</shudder>. I don't think it'll change how she feels about me. Though, she did come into this relationship knowing that I have produced quality sperm before.

I'll love her no matter what happens while we try to have children. It doesn't matter to me which body is having the tough time getting the necessary juices flowing.

Bang! Bang! Exclamation Mark!

2005-01-26T01:30:00.000-08:00

* Eeeeee! I made a blogroll! And, I was welcomed! I feel like a princess... Um. In a manly way. Thanks to the ladies who each took a piece of my virginity.

* Sperm Motility & Morphology test scheduled! UW Medical Center, here I come! In a couple weeks! Yay for Exclamation Marks! Bang! However, I don't feel like a princess about this.

* Akeeyu & I met a blogger & spouse face-to-face and had a great time. Expected to chat for maybe an hour or so, consisting mostly of stilted conversation. Instead, we chatted comfortably for hours. The restaurant employees just about glared us out of the place after five hours.

* Please pester Akeeyu to post about T-shirts. She's procrastinating!

* Bang!

Alton Brown is in my town!

2005-01-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with sperm or Akeeyu.

This is about the man who usually fills half of my TiVo's hard drive. I store about a dozen different episodes of Good Eats. For those that weren't able to make it to a visit, here's a recap of his (nearby, but I did not attend) visit.

Alton Brown book appearance report

Just for the record

2005-01-20T20:41:00.000-08:00

Akeeyu is the biggest whiner!

It's official! She's number one! She's number one! Woot!

Slacking on the Sperm Testing

2005-01-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I spent 30-45 minutes last week trying to see if my doctor could send my sperm out for motility and morphology testing, only to discover that the clinic won't have anything to do with that test. Well, we've heard that the University of Washington does that sort of thing. I just need to give 'em a call and see what the cost & procedures will be. I just haven't. I've been... Procrastinating.

And it's all Akeeyu's fault! Really! We had a lovely discussion about my procrastination, but I'm still not quite convinced. See, if they discover my swimmers don't swim then it's not just that we'll have to have a more serious conversation about donor sperm (which mostly have been me ruling out friends and family members that she's not allowed to get pregnant by and trying to gross her out by suggesting we use my father's sperm), but another more serious problem.

If we find out I'm not producing sperm, I won't be able to squeal out "eeee... Don't kick me there! You need those!" to protect myself. It has been my only defense in wrassling around or when I say stupid things (which is often).

I'll be utterly defenseless.

Ugh... I had to talk to someone about my sperm

2005-01-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

So, Akeeyu and I are in planning stages for having getting her knocked up. You'd think this is where we'd be figuring out what costumes we would need or getting new sex toys. At least, that's what I had thought. Instead, 'planning' includes me calling my doctor's office and discussing my sperm with receptionists, billing specialists and lab technicians at my usual clinic. Only to find out that they don't do that sort of thing there. Grr...

I know... Women are used to talking about the reproductive process, sometimes in considerable detail, with perfect strangers. People like to rub a pregnant woman's belly (strangers, even). Periods and their flows are apparently perfectly normal topics of conversation. And, I'm sure there are topics of conversation that I really, really, really don't want to know about.

But, for guys... Reproductive viability isn't really discussed. Unless the hottie in your life is pregnant, and then you walk around thumping your chest and shouting out how strong your seed are. This is the first time I've had to call up strangers and discuss my reproductive juices and if they would test 'em for motility and morphology.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. So, I'm willing to gamble that I have viable swimmers. But, Akeeyu wisely thinks before we go into all the horrible, invasive tests women have to endure or even spend months trying, that I donate an everloving spoonful to the lab. And, I agree.

In principal.

Being blunt is good sometimes

2005-01-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

When Akeeyu moved up to shack up with me again, she had to go through the "Find A Doctor" routine everyone goes through when they move or change HMOs. Hell, I've done it... Look up the list of HMO approved doctors for the closest one to your house, call him/her and say "Do you have a Nurse Practitioner?" and if the answer's yes, write down that doctor on your health form. Done! Now I can get antibiotics when I need 'em. Woot!

Akeeyu, however, requires someone a little higher in the Doctor foodchain... The mythical "Doctor who knows what the hell they're doing and cares about their patients"! I thought all doctors were like that. Apparently, I was wrong. Very wrong.

It appears that Doctors are like very highly paid fast food workers. Most of the Doctors that Akeeyu have visited are capable of helping you if you need help with 1) a cold, 2) a check-up or 3) Have a question about those warts you picked up while Licking Toad. It's all about knowing the best way to take care of the top 10 issues and doing it very quickly to maximize profits. However, Akeeyu needs *actual* help with *actual* problems (Endometriosis & her ugly sisters; Migraine, Pain, Possible Infertility and More Pain). AKA someone who got into medicine to help people and not because it's how you can afford a Porsche and a yacht!

After about the third or fourth doctor who made her so frustrated and angry she would start sobbing incoherently, we agreed I should go with her. She wanted me to remember to ask the questions that sobbing made her forget. I wanted to go to ask the questions she probably shouldn't if she wanted a good relationship with her doctors. You know... The "So, do you know of a competent Doctor she should see instead?" kinda questions. Unfortunately, the next couple doctors actually were decent ones and all I got to ask were the questions she forgot.

However, there was one visit to the local walk-in clinic for a pregnancy test (which we hope to come up positive in April, but would be very BAD for the baby due to the medications Akeeyu's on right now). We were definitely hoping for a negative result, as a positive would 99% require an abortion due to the horrible birth defects.

So, while the Doctor-on-duty was talking with us, she was kinda beating around the bush on something... And it smelled suspiciously like she was going towards an anti-abortion stance. Akeeyu was nearly blinded by a migraine. And, she was frazzled enough about the repercussions of a positive result without some unknown doctor lecturing her. Time to turn off politeness and go for blunt.

Doctor: "And what would you want to do if the test were positive?"
Me (in my can-the-back-rows-hear-me? voice): "Well... We don't want any flipper babies."
Doctor: ...
Me: "I mean, we want to have kids. We're planning on trying next year, but not when she's on all this birth defect inducing crap."
Doctor: "... Oh, okay."

Tomorrow, we're going to a brand new doctor (well, new to us) because of a HMO change at Akeeyu's work. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to be blunt.

Edit: Akeeyu's doctor visit changed from Planning To Get Pregnant to Let's Go Over Each Of Your Forty Medications, Akeeyu! So, I got the day off from visiting the doctor. Luckily, the visit turned out well.

Deviating From The Script

2005-01-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

Every telemarketer uses a script. The fun starts when you can make them go off script. Tonight, while we were eating dinner (naturally), a telemarketer called and asked if The Lady Of The House was present. Knowing that Akeeyu is not a lady, and that she was currently snarfing up parmesan noodles, I decided to take one for the team.

Telemarketer: "Well, perhaps you could help me. This is not a sales call-"
Sam: (alarm bells ringing)
Telemarketer: "-but this concerns children."
Sam: (...Akeeyu's going to love this...)
Telemarketer: "Does The Lady Of The House have children or grandchildren or neices or friends with children or relatives with children, or does she perhaps babysit?"
Sam: "No."
Telemarketer: (dead silence)
Sam: (smirking)
Telemarketer: "Well...I...I guess this doesn't concern you, then."
Sam: "Guess not." (click)

I'm glad I took this instead of handing it off to Akeeyu. I would have been hearing about it until we were both in a home, and then I'd be forced to resort to pretending to lose my hearing aids, just so I wouldn't have to hear about it again.

Welcome To The Buttmansion

2005-01-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

First things first. This is where Buttmansion came from. This is not a porn site, although I know I will now pop up in Google searches for using the word 'porn' and 'butt' in the same breath. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Back to the post.

I am nowhere near as prolific or witty as Akeeyu. I plan to post once, maybe twice a month.

A little about me: I am short, round and obnoxious. I like Dr Pepper, TiVo and long walks on the beach. Well, not the last part. Note the aforementioned roundness.